Life, Work and Motherhood

Six Year Olds

2008-01-17T12:18:00.001-05:00

I love six year olds, particularly one very small, very endearing one, called Katie.

Today she was eating her cereal at the kitchen counter while the local news was on. She said later, "Mommy, today it is going to snow, then it will mix, then it will be rainy. The clouds are going to be very busy today!"

Random Notes

2008-01-16T11:56:00.000-05:00

My mother is famous for giving unintentionally funny gifts to my husband. One year, for example, she gave my then 29 year old husband a pair of faded, olive green, corduroy, elastic wasted pants. We've never been exactly sure where she anticipated he would wear these beauties, and I'm sure she didn't anticipate they would look good with a shirt and tie, but maybe she thought it would look good with the matching Golden Retriever sweatshirt she got him. K happily wears them both in the yard while gardening and raking. Another frequent clothing gift is the denim shirt. We're not entirely sure why, but my mother apparently feels that K needs a new denim shirt at least once a year. Sometimes he'll get one for his birthday, other times for Christmas, sometimes for no reason at all. She wishes him to be a size Medium, as she feels he is too heavy and should not be a size Large, so she kindly purchases the shirt in the size he should wear. This is in hopes that he will wake up, lose some weight and then be able to wear the denim shirts so lovingly purchased.

She has a profound tendency to editorialize in her gift giving. For my sister in law, whom she feels makes too many deserts that are too sweet, she'll give a cookbook on low sugar baking. Another time my sister in law received, "No Time to Cook Cookbook," after Georgia told her that sometimes she feeds the boys first and she my brother have dinner later on the days she works. One year she gave K books entitled, "Every Heart Attack is Preventable," and "How to Properly Manage Your Personal Finances," leading K to realize that not only does his mother in law believe he eats poorly, but she also believes that he doesn't properly take care of his family. He studied up right away. K is allergic to cats, and my mother, who doesn't fully understand allergies and can't understand why K doesn't want a cat in the house, gave us a cat calendar and other cat related objects for Christmas this year in the hopes that K will come to his senses and let the family have a cat. Really what family is complete with out one?

This year K got "The World Without Us," a very interesting, although a bit depressing, look at what would happen to the world if humans were no longer in the picture. Complete with a cheery, "Merry Christmas and Happy Reading!" inscription.

Reindeer

2007-12-20T14:14:00.000-05:00

You Are Dancer

Carefree and fun, you always find reasons to do a happy dance.

Why You're Naughty: That dark stint you had as Santa's private dancer.

Why You're Nice: You're friendly. Very friendly.

Which of Santa's Reindeer Are You?

Norah's First Birthday

2007-12-18T11:24:00.000-05:00

Today is Norah's first birthday. All the usuals: I can't believe a year has past since she was born, it still seems like yesterday, I feel so blessed to have her here in my life, especially after her start. It was quite the tramatic birth, at least for us, for the rest of the hospital staff it was pretty routine, although I think they were even a little spooked when she wasn't breathing for such a long time. I still remember trying to get off of the bed to race over and see what was wrong with her, and being held back by the nurse. Poor K, he still gets a little choked up thinking about it.

She is such a sweet tempered baby, and really just delightful! I'm so fortunate. Over the past year Katie has adjusted a bit to being a big sister and now that Norah is a little more interactive, seems to get along OK with her, and is even up to the challenge of keeping an eye on her for short moments when Mommy is looking for her frequently misplaced shoes (these are actually very long frustrating moments, these shoe-finding adventures, as K gets frustated with my inability to put my shoes "in the right spot" so "puts them away" for me ever so kindly in spots of his own choosing).

Norah is just starting to stand up, but is a champion crawler. Lightning fast almost. She has also learned the art of peekaboo:

She is also far more affectionate as a baby than her sister was, much more willing to just sit in your lap. She's a keeper!

Then and now pictures:

2007-12-13T14:03:00.000-05:00

I stole this from Spanglish.

♥JANUARY♥
1.Who kissed you on New Years? Kevin
2. Did you have a New Year’s Resolution this year? Yes, it was to try and take care of myself so that I can be healthy and watch my children grow and become wonderful human beings.
3. Does it snow where you live? Sometimes, not as often as the upper Midwest where I was raised.
4. Do you like hot chocolate? Yes, but I prefer coffee.
5. Have you ever been to Times Square to watch the ball drop? No, that many people in various states of disorder would make me very annoyed. Plus I have no interest in it.

♥FEBRUARY♥
1. Who was your Valentine? Three people: Kevin, Katie and Norah
2. When you were little did you buy Valentine’s for the whole class? Yes, my mother insisted. Now you have to at the schools.
3. Do you care if the groundhog sees its shadow or not? No, but I loved the movie.
4. What did you receive for Valentines Day? Kevin is a Valentine's Day baby so that is his birthday. He usually gets me something small, but last year, I was on maternity leave and we were still recovering from all the IVF costs, so we didn't do much of anything.
5. What did you give for Valentine’s Day? Some clothes, a mug with the girls on it, a framed picture of the girls, and a lobster dinner.

♥MARCH♥
1. Are you Irish? K is 100% Southside Irish as he likes to say. They even have a song in Chicago.
2. Do you like corned beef and cabbage? I do, funny that K does not.
3. What did you do for St. Patty’s Day in 2007? Not much, to K's dismay. It is a major holiday in his family. I put up a wreath though.
4. Are you happy when winter is pretty much over? I can't stand bare trees, and I love to sit on our screened porch, so absolutely am I happy, although I like the crispness and chill of winter.

♥APRIL♥
1. Do you like the rain? I love rain, I love to sit on our porch and listen to it.
2. Did you play an April fool’s joke on anyone this year? No, I never do.
3. Do you get tons of candy for Easter? I get a lot of candy for Katie's basket, this year, I didn't do as much since she was the rare five year old that doesn't really like it, instead I put a couple of movies in her basket. Norah got a bottle from the Easter Bunny,
4. Do you celebrate 4/20? I must be really old, because I don't even know why you would celebrate 4/20. I never remember doing anything special that day.
5. Do you love the month of April? Yes

♥MAY♥
1. What is your favorite flower? I love fragrant flowers like lillies and old fashioned roses.
Apparently there isn't a 2.
3. Finish the phrase “April showers…” bring may flowers.
4. Do you celebrate May 16th? Why would I celebrate May 16th?
5. Is May anything special to you? May was my Yia Yia's birthday.

♥JUNE♥
1. What year did/will you graduate from high school? 1982
2. Did you do anything fun during this Month? No, I went back to work after trying unsuccessfully to have K let me be a stay at home mom. I was miserable, especially after my old supervisor told me that he would not approve any work from home. I'm now working for someone new, and get to work at home 3 days a week. Yeah!!
3. Have a favorite baseball team? Detroit Tigers of course. I remember driving back home from Detroit after visiting my Yia Yia(we lived in a suburb) and listening to Al Kaline broadcast the game. It is one of my favorite memories, listening to the murmuring of my parents voices blending in with the sportscast, leaning my head against the windows and feeling very content.

♥JULY♥
1. What did you do on the 4th of July? We went camping the day after, I can't remember what we did the actual day.
2. Did you go to the fireworks? No, I know that.
3. Did you blast the A/C all day? We just had window units last summer, central air was just installed! In general though, we try to minimize air conditioning as I think it is too bad for the environment.

♥AUGUST♥
1. Did you do anything special at the end of your summer? Katie started kindergarten at an elementary school that has a modified school calendar so we were getting into the groove of school.
2. What was your favorite summer memory of ‘07? Going to the community pool with the kids, at first Norah hated it, but grew to love it, and Katie adores swimming with her Daddy. My sweetest memory is going to be watching my little girl with her big backpack march into the school for the first time, her little legs sticking out underneath the large backpack, and this really determined, excited look on her face. No fear for our sweet Katie. We were one of the first ones:

3. Did you have a sunburn? No, I rarely burn, I guess its the combo of summers in Greece and being half Greek.
4. Did you go to the pool a lot? We did with the kids, several times a week (K more than me).

♥SEPTEMBER♥
1. Will you be attending college/school? Not me.
2. Do you like fall better than summer? I love the Fall. Fall has the most glorious light.
3. Plan on anything to happen this month? Yes, we went to Acapulco for our second honeymoon, and then we went to the Outer Banks for a family vacation at the end of the month.

♥OCTOBER♥
1. What was your last Halloween costume? I was a cat (unoriginal I know) to K's very original cat scratching post (he tied carpet remnants around himself and wore a hat with a stick and a cat toy on the top).
2. What is your favorite candy? Heath Bar.
3. What was your favorite thing(s) about this month? The crispness in the air, and watching the kids in their Halloween costumes, and its also my birthday month and Katie was due the day before my birthday.

♥NOVEMBER♥
1. Whose house do you go to for Thanksgiving? We alternate between K's and my families. I kind of like it when we do his family because usually his Dad comes to DC as opposed to us driving to Chicago.
2. What are you thankful for? I have a pretty wonderful life right now, (I keep thinking something will jinx it if I say it out loud). I'm so thankful for my children, my husband, my family, my ability to stay home more, I'm just overwhelmed with gratitude right now.
3. Do you love stuffing? I love my Grandma's stuffing, and I usually make it at Thanksgiving for everyone, because I do it best (toot toot goes my horn).

♥DECEMBER♥
1. Do you celebrate Christmas? Yes, though this year with the remodel we haven't even decorated.
2. Have you ever been kissed under the mistletoe? Yes.
3. Get anything special last year? Norah

4. What do you want this year? My bathroom to be done, back to practical matters!

Popsicles

2007-12-10T14:54:00.000-05:00

I got the envelope I was kind of dreading last week. It was the notice from the IVF clinic asking what we were going to do with the remaining 7 embryos we have left that we put in storage. I mean, the IVF (the only one I did after so many failed IUI) wasn't supposed to work. It was supposed to be the final exclamation point on K's and my inability to get pregnant. Instead it did, our sweet Norah will be a year soon, and we're faced with the decision on what to do next. I'm 43 years old and I have a one year old and a six year old. I'm too old to have another baby - or am I? K wants us to be done, no more, to him it is simple. We sign the form, the embies are destroyed, and we're done. He is so emotionally detached from these, he can't even understand why we would need to have the form notarized to destroy them. It breaks my heart to make the decision. I'm leaning toward just paying for another year of storage and go from there. I've only ever wanted two, and I'm so, so lucky to have them. I think it may be just the prospect of not having any more that is hard and the potential those seven embroyos mean to me. I've read on a couple different blogs recently how they've purged the infertilty records from their houses, I can't do it yet.

The New Old Job

2007-11-14T09:52:00.000-05:00

Well, I didn't leave my job after all. Two days before my last day, a former manager asked me what it would take to stay there. I told him if they could match the salary, and let me work from home 3 days a week, I was theirs. They did, and I am. So, I now work in the office Mondays and Thursdays, at home the rest of the time. I get to pick Katie up 3 days a week after school, and also Norah is only at daycare from 8:30 - 2 instead of 4:30. So it worked out all around. Now I have to face the challenge of ensuring (or is it insuring?) that I actually get work done on the three days from home.

The primary reason I even started looking was a conversation I had with my now past manager after I returned from maternity leave. Apparently, while pregnant, I was gone too much for appointments, and was not performing as I should be, non of which was ever mentioned before. I do take responsibility for that, I think I was a little moony while pregnant, and not as aggressive about work as I normally am. He said this 3 days after I was back, emotions still raging after leaving sweet Norah with the sitter for the first times. While on leave, I had met with him to discuss my work schedule so that I could propose working at home twice a week during the summer for both Norah and me to get adjusted. I was working at home one Friday and was castigated via email. So after that point, I started putting feelers out. It was secretly gratifying for him to realize that I got one more day a week, and a higher salary, by staying put. How awful is that?

Construction still rages in the house, poor K still on the couch. Two and a half months and counting!

2007-11-07T17:22:00.000-05:00

I haven't updated in so long, I almost wondered if I should. Lots of things have happened since we left for the first of our many vacations. We did have a wonderful time in Acapulco, it was so nice to reconnect. I have to say though that maybe we should have left all of our wonderful memories intact from our honeymoon and gone somewhere else. The girls had a wonderful time with Nana and Papa and I'm so glad. I really think it is important for them to connect as much as possible with their grandparents. I try as much as I can not to interfere, even if they do something I don't do, or don't really like such as being constantly on the go, or eating McDonalds. I'm trying to always remember that even though they are my children, they are also grandchildren and neices and that its alright if everything isn't done my way.

On the work front, I quit my job of 16 years two weeks ago to work for a software company that is willing to let me work from home a day or two a week, and offered more money. Yesterday I was offered the same salary, and the ability to work at home three days a week at my current company. So I'm now faced with the difficult task of quitting the job I just accepted and was going to start in five days. As much as I want to get out of Defense Contracting, I can't pass up the ability to pick up my daughter three days a week from school. It breaks my heart how excited she is for the one day a week I pick her up currently.

I leave you with some pix of the girls at Halloween:

Flower Girl, House and Vacation

2007-09-04T14:56:00.001-04:00

Normally I am someone that doesn't want to cram a lot of things in to a space of time. I like to have time to enjoy things, and I don't like to rush. I don't understand people that have activities planned all day regularly. I always think, don't they want to relax? or read? or hang out with their families without any pressure? I guess its just me. This weekend, from our perspective, was very hectic.

Katie was a flower girl in a wedding on Sunday, which also took over part of Saturday for the rehearsal dinner. I don't know the folks that well that were getting married, the groom is a good friend of K's. The wedding was pretty wonderful, marred only by the fact that neither the bride's nor the groom's family seemed to have a grasp on time management. She was required to be at the church, dressed, at 2:15 for a 4:30 wedding, for which the Groom's mother showed up at 5:00, because she lost track of time. That is a lot of down time, and anticipation time for a five year old. However Katie loved it, and I'll post some pictures later. She looked beautiful. We were gone all day Sunday really in preparations for the wedding.

On Monday, we spent the entire day packing up our upstairs in order to be ready for construction on the house on Tuesday morning. In our wee Cape Cod, the upstairs is our master bedroom, and now we're not in there, all our stuff is around the house. Simultaneous to moving things out of the upstairs, we had to pack as we're going on a ten day trip Wednesday. It was all a bit too hectic for me.

Anyway, we leave Wednesday for a trip to Chicago to drop the girls off, then we're off to a week in Acapulco, at a resort called Las Brisas for our ten year anniversary. It is where we went for our honeymoon and at that time we said how wonderful it would be to go back, and K surprised me with the trip a few months ago. I hope it lives up to all our fond memories from last time!

So, this will be my last post until we get back on the 14th (baring any catastrophe's, I don't like flying, especially during hurricane season).

My Mother

2007-08-28T12:27:00.001-04:00

I love my mother. I mean I really, truly do love her. She is interesting, warm, creative, and generous. I actually love both my parents dearly, and even in college I went home about once a week for family dinner. It broke their hearts when I decided to move to the DC area. I had never intended to stay, I did it to spite my father who said I was famous for making proclamations and not following through with them. I moved solely because he said I wouldn't. Hey, give me a break, I was only 25.

My mother has all these wonderful qualities, but she is also, apologies for the over-used term, passive aggressive and controlling. At times I really miss being near them, I was eating lunch at a restaurant by myself recently, and I saw a woman with a baby having lunch with her Mother and it almost brought me to tears that I can't just call my mom and have her come over. Then, of course, we have conversations like the one last night.

We are doing a small addition to the house, adding a master bath and some closet space. Excitedly, I told her that K and I had picked out some of the materials; that, although we hadn't ordered yet, we had narrowed down what we want to do with the space. It will have a green slate floor, we're going to look for a slate with a lot of variations, and we're going to do some kind of mosiac glass tile in the shower (we're not having a tub). She goes silent at the mention of the slate, and then proceeds to say that she thought we'd pick something softer for the floor, "oh what is it called?", she also hisses when told we were thinking about the glass tiles. I kind of laugh and say, hey sorry you don't like it, and then she gets offended and says she never said that.

So the tone of the conversation has changed, and she asks how I'm doing on my weight. I respond that I'm working on it, she reiterates that it is important, that it is too bad K doesn't really exercise, she was worried about that when we married. I mention that we were walking down to the ice cream store after dinner as a treat for Katie, and she launches into a diatribe of how we shouldn't do that, we don't want Katie getting heavy like me, the last time she saw her she thought her thighs were getting thicker. This is about my 44 inch tall, 35 pound five year old, who is incredibly active, and generally eats well. I don't think some frozen custard once a week is going to hurt anything. Plus, I don't think her Grandmother needs to foist her personal anxiety on a little girl. She is a healthy weight, and who cares what size her thighs are? K can't stand that, and wishes my mother would keep her body issues to herself.

We made small talk after that for a little bit then closed the conversation. Taken individually this doesn't sound like much, taken as a lifetime of veiled criticisms and disapproval can be a bit much. I hope I don't do that to the girls.

Motherhood or Work

2007-08-27T15:54:00.000-04:00

We went to friends for a cookout on Saturday. A has been one of my closest friends for years, and served as maid of honor in my wedding. We married around the same time, and had children around the same time, although she is significantly (six years) younger than I. We each have two girls.

She has always been extremely ambitious, and has switched firms three times now in order to move into a position that she wants. In fact at her wedding shower ten years ago, we were playing a game that involved asking her future husband questions, and seeing if she could guess the answer. What do you love about her came up, and he had answered, "Because she is such a go getter and is respected at work." I remember being vaguely horrified at the answer, thinking it was not a meaningful way of thinking about your future spouse. She is now a senior manager at a major consulting firm and is doing quite well.

I, on the other hand, have stayed with my company for 16 years, out of loyalty and because I love the flexibility I have with the job. Although not paid well, I appreciate that I don't always put eight hours in a day, that I can come and go when I need to, and that I can work from home a day a week. My goal is really to work part time, so I can spend more time with the girls. I really want to be there for Katie after school and see Norah more days of the week than less.

I've been realizing that A and my parenting styles are very different. Although more of a home body than I am, she has a limited need to spend time with her children. Her current schedule is working 10 - 12 hour days, and really barely seeing her children. When her oldest was really little, around 2, in addition to the long days, she was going to a dojo about every night and not getting home until after 10. I just couldn't do that. The children are my heart and soul right now and I love our family, I love being part of it. I love feet kicks and smiles when I walk into a room, I love a five year old saying in the back of the car unprompted, "Mommy I love you."

Saturday the conversation drifted to future plans. Turns out her plan is to earn enough for her husband to stay home. Not for him to be a stay at home father, but so he can spend more time on his photography (he's an amateur photographer). I was becoming kind of outraged at the amount of time she is willingly spending away from her children. I'd never say it, but I was really appalled (I'm not such a stone face either, I'm sure I looked as appalled as I was feeling). Afterwards I questioned my thinking. Would we be thinking the same thing if her husband G did that? Would we be questioning his ability to father his children if he was willing to work long and hard so his family could be well off? Is it completely sexist of me to think that she should be spending more time with her kids? They are loved and cared for, isn't that what is important? I don't know.

Bobby

2007-08-23T12:09:00.001-04:00

This is actually a post that should have preceeded the post below. K took Katie to see Rat Dog, a band headed by one of the former members of the Grateful Dead, Bob Weir. I really think it is such a neat thing that he does that with her. He has really imparted his love of live music to her, and she really just eats it up. You can see in this picture how excited she was for the show to start:

Five year olds don't usually sit so still. K said they had a wonderful time, and I really hope they did. I leave you with a picture taken toward the end of the evening:

She adores her Daddy.

Quick Update

2007-08-22T12:25:00.000-04:00

So far, I've not been successful in my plan to write at least a few times a week. Three weeks later and here I am.

I had a strange thought this morning as I was reluctantly getting out of bed to get Katie ready for school: I am going to be doing this for the next 17 years. I am going to be getting up at 6 to make sure the kids have breakfast before school for the next 17 years. Dear God. I will be 59 years old when I no longer have to get up for them. I'm not complaining mind you, just rather shocked. Also depressed because at times I feel like I'm short changing Norah as her mother since I was 42 when she was born. She won't get a young Mom who can run around, who knows, maybe at that age I'll be so set in my ways, that we have to have dinner on the table at 5:00, the house will be spotless so that she can't wait to get away, and K and I will barely be able to make it up the stairs. Or maybe not. I feel badly though when I realize I probably won't get to know Grandchildren well, or maybe I won't even be around when Norah gets married. I know there is no guarantee, I could have been 25 when she was born and still not be there for her. K lost his mother when he was 19, she died at age 46 due to complications from breast cancer. I guess you just never know.

On a lighter note, Norah has been very sweet lately and is getting so big. She has a totally different personality than her sister and is much more affectionate (or clingy depending on the mood), she is also much more attuned to K and me than Katie. Norah really doesn't like others to hold her, we're pretty much her world. Which is nice. Here is the big girl:

.
She had managed to push herself under her crib in this picture. She isn't crawling yet, but can do a mean flip and roll.

The one crisis right now is worrying about BPA (bisphenol-a) that is in the Avent bottles that Norah uses. The plastics industry of course, says that it is perfectly fine to use, go right ahead and continue buying plastics. NIH scientists think perhaps it is worrisome and Baby Bargains, the so called guide to everything babies, has removed the recommendation for Avent and Dr. Brown botles. Hopefully I have not doomed Norah to premature puberty or Attention Deficit Disorder as some studies have indicated. Turns out the cheap Gerber bottles I used with Katie were better than the expensive Avent. Go figure.

Happiness

2007-08-07T09:29:00.000-04:00

People are just getting good news all over today, I am so happy for everyone. My best friend just found out, after several miscarriages, she is pregnant with twins after a clomid IUI. Two heartbeats at 8 weeks, both over 150 bpm so it looks good. Another person who's blog I read found out she's having a girl after a long struggle with IF, another friend found a new job which will make her much happier. It's been a good morning.

Norah is getting so big these days, but she doesn't seem to be hitting her milestones on target. She will be 8 months on the 18th of August, but still isn't sitting up, and hasn't tried to crawl yet. I'm trying not to get concerned, because she may just be taking her time. She seems perfectly fine and, for the most part, is happy (as long as you are holding her), but I do want to make a note of it. She is the anti-Katie it terms of baby habits. Katie didn't want you to hold her or cuddle with her, Norah on the other hand wants you to hold her, cuddle her, sit with her, play with her. She is just delightful when you put her to bed, she coos,kicks her feet, smiles, and plays with her blanket, all while trying to fall asleep. We don't need to rock her or pat her or walk around with her, we just put her in the crib, rub her belly, check in occasionally so she can smile at us, then she falls asleep about 15 mins after she's been placed in the crib. The most wonderful thing is that Katie has been really interacting with her, after 7 months of trying to ignore Norah's existence. This morning in our daily race to get out of the house, I had put Norah in her high chair with some cheerios to occupy her while we were doing the final run through: Where are your shoes! Where are my keys! I don't know where your purple poodle is! I forgot my coffee! My backpack! My lunchbox! Norah started fussing and Katie ran right over to soothe her, played peekaboo, and gave her a teething cookie (she has one tooth now and I suspect more on the way). That, as they say, warms the cockles of my heart. Here is Norah in her new high chair (huge shout out for the Fisher-Price Space Saver High Chair):

Here she looks like she is in jail:

Here she is at her first baseball game where it was determined that she is not a fan:

Funny Katie Video

2007-08-06T11:03:00.000-04:00

I find this hysterical, poor quality because its from my cell phone, but here is silly Katie dancing in her bedroom.

Important Breast Cancer Facts

2007-08-05T02:45:00.000-04:00

This is important information for new moms and comes courtesy of WhyMommy, who is currently undergoing treatment for IBC.

Inflammatory breast cancer
Monday July 23rd 2007, 3:11 pm
Filed under: About Us / Favorites, breast cancer
We hear a lot about breast cancer these days. One in eight women will be diagnosed with breast cancer in their lifetimes, and there are millions living with it in the U.S. today alone. But did you know that there is more than one type of breast cancer?

I didn’t. I thought that breast cancer was all the same. I figured that if I did my monthly breast self-exams, and found no lump, I’d be fine.

Oops. It turns out that you don’t have to have a lump to have breast cancer. Six weeks ago, I went to my OB/GYN because my breast felt funny. It was red, hot, inflamed, and the skin looked…funny. But there was no lump, so I wasn’t worried. I should have been. After a round of antibiotics didn’t clear up the inflammation, my doctor sent me to a breast specialist and did a skin punch biopsy. That test showed that I have inflammatory breast cancer, a very aggressive cancer that can be deadly.

Inflammatory breast cancer is often misdiagnosed as mastitis because many doctors have never seen it before and consider it rare. “Rare” or not, there are over 100,000 women in the U.S. with this cancer right now; only half will survive five years. Please call your OB/GYN if you experience several of the following symptoms in your breast, or any unusual changes: redness, rapid increase in size of one breast, persistent itching of breast or nipple, thickening of breast tissue, stabbing pain, soreness, swelling under the arm, dimpling or ridging (for example, when you take your bra off, the bra marks stay – for a while), flattening or retracting of the nipple, or a texture that looks or feels like an orange (called peau d’orange). Ask if your GYN is familiar with inflammatory breast cancer, and tell her that you’re concerned and want to come in to rule it out.

There is more than one kind of breast cancer. Inflammatory breast cancer is the most aggressive form of breast cancer out there, and early detection is critical. It’s not usually detected by mammogram. It does not usually present with a lump. It may be overlooked with all of the changes that our breasts undergo during the years when we’re pregnant and/or nursing our little ones. It’s important not to miss this one.

Inflammatory breast cancer is detected by women and their doctors who notice a change in one of their breasts. If you notice a change, call your doctor today. Tell her about it. Tell her that you have a friend with this disease, and it’s trying to kill her. Now you know what I wish I had known before six weeks ago.

You don’t have to have a lump to have breast cancer.

2007-08-03T09:27:00.000-04:00

I’ve not been posting as frequently as I expected, I thought I would do it just about every day but as you can tell, that hasn’t been the case.

This has been the first week of school Katie. It is all day, plus she goes to After Care for an hour or so after, so I think it is really long days for her. She on the other hand, was just beaming when I picked her up the first day, really just thrilled with the entire day. I could tell she just had the best day, she was so excited about everything. It is so wonderful to me that she has such a spirit of adventure and wonderment. I, of course, cried the first day but after we dropped her off so she wouldn't see. I don't know why it was so hard, she has been in full day preschool and daycare since she was 3 months old, so I should be inured to this. I felt like it was the beginning of her saying goodbye I guess, although I recognized its still a long way coming. It just made it more real. She's not always going to be my sweet preschooler, and she'll leave us some day to start her own life, as it should be. But it doesn’t make it any easier. I will carry this image of her walking in front of me down the long hallway to her class, wearing her too-large backpack, which obscures any sight of her body, her small legs underneath, carrying her matching lunchbox in her right hand the rest of my life. Marching toward a brand new adventure and the rest of her life. I’m trying not to sound maudlin, but it was a very meaningful moment for me. Here she is in front of her new school:

And in her new classroom (we were one of the first ones there):

At the end of the first day, as we were getting the table ready on the screened porch for dinner and DH and I were hugging (he's has been super affectionate these days not sure why), she gave us both a big hug and told us that she loved her home. I love that kid.

School Supplies

2007-07-24T08:34:00.000-04:00

Well this weekend we got school supplies for Katie for Kindergarten. She was very excited about it, and had a lot of fun at Target picking out 2 notebooks, and checking off her list. I'm not really sure what kindergartners do with notebooks - we just had the large lined paper. I'm sure its different now. We also picked out an outfit to wear the first day, however she decided this morning that she wanted to wear a dress the first day so wore the new clothes today. Yes, I fully understand it had nothing to do with wanting to wear a dress the first day and everything to do with wanting to wear her new purple shirt with the silver butterfly. She doesn't fool me.

I really hope that she enjoys school as much as I did. I remember beign so excited to start school: having a lot of fun picking out supplies, having my first day outfit ready and laying on the chair a month before. I also really liked picking out my lunchbox. I don't think they do that anymore, I remember grocery stores filled up with metal and plastic lunchboxes and getting so excited with the one you picked. They all had thermoses too. I loved my Snoopy lunchbox that was shaped like a dog house, the thermos went on top and was held in by this metal clip. It was way cool and no one had one like it because we bought it in Pittsburgh while on a trip.

I wonder if she'll like reading as much as I did or form as close a relationship as I did with the school librarian. We had an "open" elementary which meant that the 6 grades were divided into 4 rooms dependant on ability. The school was a large rectangle, with the libray in the middle and the classrooms on either side dividing the upper and lower elementary grades. I hated math and whenever we worked on it, would sneak into the library and hide in the multimedia room. Miss Daniels, the librarian, knew that but wouldn't tell the teachers where I was, just would come get me after she let me read for awhile. I was the youngest child to pass the Dewey Decimal test so got full range of the library early.

I suspect she'll have some of the same issues as me though: she is tremendously friendly, but for some reason she tends to be shut out of certain groups. I think it has something to do with her not being selective really in playing with kids, she doesn't recognize social status, just wants to play. Even at this age, kids are separating themselves into socially exclusive groups. I initially found it shocking, but maybe we did it to when we were kids, I seem to remember that.

So, we're all excited at our house, with a huge dose of nostalgia for both Katie's toddlerhood and my own experience mixed in. Cliche that it is, life really does go by too fast.

Sludge

2007-07-19T11:01:00.000-04:00

I have sludge. Apparently, as K suspected, I was reading too much into the radiologists responses. I do not even have gallstones, they think it is just "sludge" that is causing it. What a relief! K, of course, said he was never worried. What I have is "sludge" in my gallbladder. I'm to meet with a surgeon who will advise on whether I need my gallbladder out. Apparently you don't need your gallbladder, the liver picks up the slack. Why do we have these seemingly superfluous organs: appendix, gallbladder, spleen? If we can live perfectly fine without them, why do we have them?

We got Katie's assignment for Kindergarten this week, I know who her teacher is and her room number. Wow. She is really going to big girl school. She's been counting down the days, we now have 12 left. She's going to a school with a modified school calendar. We weren't sure about it at first, but we're going to give it a try. I figure it won't be that hard to switch her out after Kindergarten if we don't like it. Her schedule will go like this: School the month of August, Sept, a two week break, a two week break over Christmas, a three week break for Spring Break, and a 5 week break during the Summer. We shall see.

A little concerned

2007-07-17T13:00:00.000-04:00

I'm sure this is nothing to really worry about but I just found out that my liver enzymes are a little elevated. I've been having pain in my upper abdomen that radiates to my back and at times is almost unbearable. It started shortly after I had Norah, but it comes and goes. Until last weekend, I hadn't hadn't it in a few months. My doctor suspects it is Gallstones, so I go in today for an ultrasound. I hope that is all that it is. I hate Dr. Google because now I'm thinking of all the other things it could be. Except for IF and gaining weight in my 30's I've been healthy as an ox, so this is a little disconcerting.

Updated after my ultrasound.
So, is it more concerning when the ultrasound tech asks you worriedly, have you had blood in your urine? How long has the pain been present? If she murmurs hmm, hmm several times while during your exam, and then says you really need to speak to your doctor? I'm trying not to read too much into it, but its hard not to when you're worried. Of course, unlike in pregnancy when they can tell pretty much right away if the baby is alive and in good shape, they can take their time when its not. So I won't hear back until later this week on the results and what my next course of action will be. Now I'm nervous.

Exciting News

2007-07-16T10:42:00.000-04:00

My best friend just told me that she is pregnant. I am over the moon for her, it is so exciting. She has struggled with IF for a long time, suffering multiple miscarriages several failed IUIs and now after the last IUI before they were going to move on to IVF she is pregnant! Her numbers are great: 756 at 17dpo and 1876 at 19dpo. I so hope this works for her!

We went to a party in the neighborhood this week, for a couple who live "in the backyard" from us that we really like. They're a pretty neat family, I feel a little like we live in their reflected glory - they know all the in places to go, have really cool friends, etc. They have two daughters that are the most lovely girls, I mean really, they are self possessed, confident without being arrogant, they were mingling with the adults without affectation and are just great girls. We were introducing Norah to everyone and I was relating her birth story which was kind of traumatic for us. I kind of want to capture it, so I think I'll write about it here.

As I've mentioned earlier, Norah was an IVF baby. Our first and only attempt. My numbers were wonky in the beginning, I was "barely" pregnant when I went in for my beta at 11 days past the 3 day transfer. It was 17. The nurse at my RE's office told me it was very low, but that my progesterone was "through the roof" so that although my beta was low, the other number was good. Two days later it had more than doubled and that was OK, then it didn't double and they became convinced it was ectopic. Low and behold it wasn't, but my numbers were still too low. When we finally did the ultrasound at 6+ weeks to check on viability, the RE couldn't detect the heart beat at once until K said, what is that white thing moving over there? It was her heart, way high up in my uterus, but there, like a beacon. We had another scan at another facility with better equipment to confirm, and it was much more evident there. What also was evident was that another sac had started, then stopped, growing. It was this that was probably responsible for the strange betas. We'll never know.

The pregnancy was pretty uneventful, except for the fact that at 15 weeks I was diagnosed with Gestational Diabetes. My numbers were just over the border, I still wonder if I had full blown GD, unlike everyone else I know that had it, all I ever had to take was 2.5mg Glyburide at night to control my fasting numbers. The rest of the time I was able to control my glucose through diet. I'm overweight, and I lost about 25 pounds while pregnant. I loved it and looked great (well at least I think I did LOL).

Me at 34 weeks pregnant. :) I was considered high risk for a number of reasons, my age, it was an IVF pregnancy, and the GD (most importantly). So starting at 32 weeks, I spent 2 - 3 days a week in various appointments.

Norah was due 1 January 2007. I was two weeks late for Katie, nothing happened and I needed a c-section to have her because, although my water broke, she never descended and my contractions never started. Norah had other ideas. The day of 17 December we attended a Christmas Cookie baking party, an annual party a close friend of ours throws every year. We stayed late, until about 11, K had a few beers, then we went home. We got home at 11, I had promised Katie we would move her clothes into her new room (she switched rooms to get ready for Norah), and while doing that, my water broke. We called the OB, she said to wait until the contractions started; they started about a half hour later. I got no break, they started and kept continuing. Between my water breaking and delivering Norah there was 6 hours. In that time we dropped Katie off at friends about 15 mins away, then went to the hospital. The entrance closest to obstetrics was locked, so we had to use the emergency room entrance, and walk the entire length of the hospital - not fun while contracting ever 60-90 seconds. We had a parade of nurses through my room, the hospital was short staffed and it was the middle of the night; the OB seemed annoyed to be there when she got there, not off to an auspicious start. The first nurse gave me an injection of something (I believe it was Stadol), not recommended! Then I got an epidural before the OB got there (which further annoyed her, but I was already at 6cm). It all seemed so surreal. I got ready to push around 6am, and Norah was born at 6:25am. Not breathing. For 3 minutes. The scariest moments of my life. We had heard her heart beating the entire time, so we couldn't understand it. The room was deathly silent, they had put her on me immediately after birth, but she was gray and lifeless. The OB worked in silence on her for a while, then looked up and said, "I need Peds, stat." I started to sit up, to try and run over to see how she was, and the nurse had to restrain me. My OB looked over at me and realized I was bleeding heavily, that the bucket underneath my bed was over flowing. At this point, the perinatologist was there, tending to Norah - who had progressed to grunting. While not breathing, grunting is an improvement. My OB told K that she was taking me to the OR to control the bleeding, the peri told him she had to take Norah. K was torn, I told him to go with the baby. He later said that he panicked "I used to watch ER, the mother never comes back."

Later, after I was stitched up, and Norah was fine, we were still in shock. K stayed all day with us, went home that night to walk the dog and see #1, when our neighbors dog attacked our 7 month old Golden puppy. It was like the final straw for him. My mom called to check in, and he just burst into tears with her. A very unusual thing for my normally stoic husband. But she is here and fine, and looks not the least bit concerned in this picture taken shortly after I got to see her for the second time.

Bill the dog was fine too.
Oh and I got my first ever comment, that was quite exciting. Thanks Spanglish!

Camping

2007-07-10T12:31:00.000-04:00

We just got back from camping, Norah's first time. We went to national park that is a few hour drive, in the mountains, and it is beautiful. Number 1 (Katie) is getting of the age that she really enjoys it, she is such a nature buff though. Number 2 was not all that impressed I must say. I don't know if she is getting a tooth or didn't like sleeping in the tent, or didn't like the trees, who knows, but she didn't want to be put down, and screamed whenever we were not physically touching her. So when, Number 2 was being held or had finally succumbed to exhaustion, we had a good time. Number 1, who is always hard to get to sleep, came out of the tent the first night and looked up and was absolutely awestruck by the stars. It was sort of a magical moment. She came out sat in her chair next to her Daddy, and just happened to tilt her head back, and gasped. "That is amazing!" she said. I love that she is so in tune to the outdoors, she loves butterflies and bugs, flowers and trees, she is really sincerely fascinated by it. When she started showing an intense interest in Butterflies, I started buying all sorts of books and kits for her, and she really has enjoyed looking through them. We always go to the reference section of the library and get a "information" book (as she calls it) on bugs. For weeks now, we've been talking about the Madagascar beetle, she always says that "aren't you glad they aren't in our house, you'd have to get Daddy to take care of it." I love that kid.

Reaping what you sow

2007-07-03T15:16:00.000-04:00

I just finished reading this. Titled "The Family Road Trip: Strangers in a Minivan" she talks about how her family was not connected during a recent family road trip because instead they were too connected to the various electronic devices family members were using during the trip. She was lamenting that she remembers good times during her own childhood roadtrips with her family and how different it was. How about starting with you babe? How about you not "prop up the computer on my lap" as an example for your children, how about you not install GPS on your teenage sons phone, how about you not go only to the "same Mexican chain for the same quesadilla we'd eaten three states ago." How are your children and your family to connect if you allow them to do this? I hate the blame being placed on technology as if it somehow crawled into your brain and told you to do something. As with most things in life, you do have some free choice in the matter.

Children

2007-07-03T11:24:00.000-04:00

There are times when I think about Norah, now 6 months old, and I just get goosebumps. We tried for her starting when Katie was a little under a year, when she was five, Norah was born. We tried lots of cycles of carefully planned sex, several rounds of IUIs in various modes (oral medication, injectables), then one IVF after a year absence of any treatment. I somehow knew it was going to work, I don't know why because if I'd actually paid attention to the odds of someone at age 41 having a succesful IVF, I probably woudn't have done it. But somehow I just knew it was going to work. I still feel strangely though, even now, when I look at pictures of her or say her name and realize that we have her, we have our long awaited second child. After 10 years of marriage, seven years of trying to have babies, we have two children. Life is pretty good right now, even with some hiccups (see Mondays post) . She's beautiful, Katie is beautiful and they're here.

Mondays

2007-07-02T09:48:00.000-04:00

I've started to really hate Mondays. Not for the usual reasons, although they apply, but for the fact that it underscores how much time I spend away from my children and I hate that. Norah, who normally is such a placid baby, has started fussing a lot in the morning, when she realizes that we're not staying home. Katie frequently asks if we can stay home and play hookie (as she puts it). She starts Kindergarten at the end of the month, and I'm really sad that I've missed basically her entire preschool and toddler life by working and we won't get a chance to be together like that again. That time is just gone. My husband, K, thinks that I'm exaggerating, that its part of this manipulative ploy to get to stay home or work part time, or something calculated to make him feel like he isn't providing what he should be, instead of what I feel as a mother. I don't know why he can't recognize how difficult this is or at least acknowledge it, but instead he has become beligerant with me, or sulks, or gets more demanding of me. There are times when he can be very unpleasant. For the most part we do get along well, but there are times when that absolutely is not the case.

My First Post

2007-06-29T14:25:00.000-04:00

I've long wanted a place to write about my life, my family, my not-so-deep thoughts on the world, so I started this blog. I don't know if I'll ever have anything interesting to say, maybe I will on occasion, but not often. I'm a working mom of two, Kathleen and Norah, and they are my raison d'etre, absolutely the light of my life. I struggled for years to conceive children, and it is almost overwhelming to me that I have them now. I feel very blessed. Ten years of marriage, 7 years of trying, two children. Wow. If you can indulge me, some pictures of the kids by way of introduction.

Here is Katie, wearing old clothes and "helping" me in the garden. Further proof that she is related to her father.

And here is our Norah, our IVF baby, and 3 years in the making.